【翻譯練習】婚姻的五個迷思
Five myths about marriage
日期：2018 June 1
作者：John Gottman and Christopher Dollard
來源：https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/five-myths/five-myths-about-marriage/2018/06/01/5646e650-6438-11e8-a69c-b944de66d9e7_story.html?utm_term=.3d1d0255cf99
Marriage is one of the oldest social, economic, religious and legal institutions in the world, and there's no shortage of opinions on what makes it work. But much of the conventional wisdom is not based on evidence, and some is flat-out wrong. After researching thousands of couples for more than 40 years at the Gottman Institute, these are some of the myths we've encountered most often.
婚姻，是世上最古老的社會、經濟、宗教、法律制度之一，坊間永遠不乏探討婚姻如何經營的觀點。但是許多沿襲下來的智慧，並非以實際證據為基礎，有些觀念甚至錯得離譜。我們 40 年來在高特曼學院 (The Gottman Institute) 研究了好幾千對伴侶，並整理出下列 5 種最常碰到的婚姻迷思。
MYTH NO. 1 Common interests keep you together.
迷思 1：共同興趣可以維繫感情
Some dating sites, like Match.com, ask users to list their interests to help attract potential mates, and LoveFlutter matches users solely based on shared hobbies and activities. In a Pew survey, 64 percent of respondents said "having shared interests" is "very important" to their marriages — beating out having a satisfying sexual relationship and agreeing on politics.
有些約會網站，像是 Match.com，會請使用者填寫自己的興趣，看看能不能吸引到有機會認識的對象，LoveFlutter 網站更是只透過共同的嗜好和活動來幫使用者配對。一份 Pew 調查指出，64% 的受訪者回答「擁有共同興趣」對婚姻而言「非常重要」—— 勝過擁有令人滿意的性生活，以及抱持共同的政治理念。
But the important thing is not what you do together; it's how you interact while doing it. Any activity can drive a wedge between two partners if they're negative toward each other. It doesn't matter whether two people both enjoy kayaking if, when they head out on the lake, one says, "That's not how you do a J-stroke, you idiot!" Our research has shown that criticism, even of paddling skills, is one of the four destructive behaviors that indicate a couple will eventually divorce. A stronger predictor of compatibility than shared interests is the ratio of positive to negative interactions, which should be 20-to-1 in everyday situations, whether a couple is doing something they both enjoy or not.
但重點不是你們一起做了什麼活動，而是在於你們做這項活動時，兩人是怎麼互動的。如果以負面情緒去對待對方，那麼不管什麼活動都可能引發兩人之間的嫌隙。譬如雙方去湖邊划船，其中一個人說：「J 型划槳哪是這樣滑的，你很笨耶！」，這種時候根本無暇顧及兩個人有沒有全心全意享受著划船運動。我們的研究顯示，「批評」是導致伴侶終將走向離婚一途的四大殺手級行為之一 (批評、防衛、輕蔑、築牆)。日常情況中，不論伴侶是否從事擁有共同興趣的活動，兩人正面互動對負面互動的比例應該要達到 20 比 1，從這一點更能看出伴侶的契合度比共同興趣更加重要。
MYTH NO. 2 Never go to bed angry.
迷思 2：床頭吵，床尾和
It's one of the most cliched pieces of relationship advice, immortalized in Etsy signage and a '90s R&B ballad by Silk: Don't allow an argument to go unresolved — even overnight. No less an authority than the Bible agrees: "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath" (Ephesians 4:26).
這是婚姻關係建議當中最老掉牙的陳腔濫調之一，而美國的手工藝品網路商店平台 Etsy 賣的婚禮標語牌，還有 Silk 樂團在 1990 年代唱的一首 R&B 芭樂歌《別帶著怒氣上床》(Don't Go To Bed Mad)，又把這句建議推上永恆不朽的經典。就連聖經這本至高無上的權威，也對這個觀點深表同意：「不可含怒到日落」(以弗所書 4:26)。
This advice pushes couples to solve their problems right away. Yet everyone has their own methods of dealing with disagreements, and research indicates that about two-thirds of recurring issues in marriage are never resolved because of personality differences — you're unlikely to work out that fight about the dishes no matter how late you stay up.
這句話督促伴侶應該馬上解決兩人之間的問題。但是，每個人都會照著自己的步調去處理與另一半的不合，而且研究顯示，由於性格差異的緣故，婚姻關係裡重複發生的問題當中，約有 2/3 的問題是完全解決不了的 —— 不管你熬夜到多晚，都不可能解決洗碗引發的爭執。
In our "Love Lab," where we studied physiological reactions of couples during arguments (including coding of facial muscles related to specific emotions), we found that when couples fight, they are so physiologically stressed — increased heart rate, cortisol in the bloodstream, perspiring, etc. — that it is impossible for them to have a rational discussion. With one couple, we intentionally stopped their argument about a recurring issue by saying we needed to adjust some of our equipment. We asked them to read magazines for 30 minutes before resuming the conversation. When they did so, their bodies had physiologically calmed down, which allowed them to communicate rationally and respectfully. We now teach that method to couples — if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed during a fight, take a break and come back to it later, even if that means sleeping on it.
我們的「愛情實驗室」專門研究伴侶在爭執期間的生理反應 (包括臉部肌肉跟特定情緒相關的神經編碼)，研究發現，伴侶起爭執的時候，會在生理上感受到很大的壓力 —— 心率增加、血液中的腎上腺皮質醇 (cortisol) 變多、出汗等等 —— 這種情況下的伴侶，根本不可能展開理性的討論。我們向其中一對伴侶說我們需要調整一些儀器，以此為藉口，刻意停下他們對一件經常性問題的爭執。我們請兩人先讀個 30 分鐘的雜誌，然後再重啟對話。照做之後，他們的身體在生理上變得平靜下來，讓他們可以理性尊重地溝通。現在我們會把這個方法教給伴侶知道 —— 假如覺得自己在爭執中已經快要撐不下去，那就休息一會兒，過一段時間再回來討論爭執的事情，即使必須先睡一覺也沒有關係。
MYTH NO. 3 Couples therapy is for fixing a broken marriage.
迷思 3：伴侶治療的用途，是修復破碎的婚姻
This is a common misconception. A 2014 New York Post story on "the crumbling marriage of Jay Z and Beyoncé" noted grimly that "they're allegedly traveling with marriage counselors." Seeking help early in or even before marriage is often seen as a red flag. As one skeptic noted in New York magazine, "If you need couples therapy before you're married — when it's supposed to be fun and easy, before the pressures of children, family, and combined financials — then it's the wrong relationship."
這是個常見的誤解。一篇 2014 年的《紐約郵報》報導「Jay Z 與碧昂絲婚姻出現裂痕」，內容冷冷地說著「據說兩人正在接受婚姻諮商」。在外人眼中，及早尋求婚姻協助，甚至婚前就在諮商，常代表著婚姻亮起紅燈。《紐約》雜誌一篇文章的作者，還對伴侶治療深表懷疑：「婚前沒有小孩、家庭、共同財務狀況帶來的壓力，理應是樂趣無窮、輕鬆自在的時光，可是如果你們婚前就必須接受伴侶治療，那麼看來這是一段錯誤的關係。」
This idea often keeps spouses from seeking the sort of regular maintenance that would benefit almost any relationship. The average couple waits six years after serious issues arise before getting help with their marital problems, and by then it's often too late: Half of all divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage. In a therapist's office, spouses can learn conflict-management skills (like the Gottman-Rapoport intervention, based on a method used to increase understanding between nations during the Cold War) and ways to connect and understand each other.
關係的定期維護，幾乎對任何一種關係都是有幫助的，但是認為及早求助代表著關係拉警報的觀念，往往會阻礙伴侶無法定期維護兩人的關係。伴侶之間一旦出現婚姻上的重大問題，平均要拖到 6 年以後才會去尋求協助，但這時候才求援常常已經太遲了：一半以上的離婚案件，發生在婚姻的前 7 年內。伴侶可以在治療師的辦公室裡學會衝突管理的技巧 (例如 Gottman-Rapoport 介入法，這個技巧根據的是冷戰期間用來增進國與國之間理解的一種方法)，並學習彼此產生連結和互相理解之道。
The point of counseling is not to salvage a bad marriage or sort out trauma. It's about revealing the truth about a relationship. As Jay-Z told David Letterman, he gained "emotional tools " in counseling to help him maintain his marriage.
諮商的重點，不是拯救一場糟透的婚姻或撫平創商，而是揭露關係當中的真相。就像 Jay-Z 對脫口秀主持人大衛．賴特曼 (David Letterman) 說的，他從諮商裡獲得了「情緒工具」，幫助他維繫婚姻。
MYTH NO. 4 Affairs are the main cause of divorce.
迷思 4：外遇是離婚的主因
An affair is traumatic for any monogamous relationship. "Extra-marital affairs are responsible for the breakdown of most marriages that end in divorce," an article on Marriage.com reads. Today.com offers a similar analysis: "Cheating is one of the main drivers of divorce."
外遇對一夫一妻制有很大的殺傷力。Marriage.com 一篇文章寫道：「大部分以離婚收尾的婚姻破裂結局，婚外情要負最大的責任。」Today.com 也有著相似的分析：「欺騙是導致離婚的主因之一。」
While affairs can destroy the foundation of trust upon which a marriage is built, the cause of divorce typically precedes the affair. In a study from the Divorce Mediation Project, 80 percent of divorced men and women cited growing apart and loss of a sense of closeness to their partner as the reason for divorce. Only 20 to 27 percent blamed their separation on an extramarital affair. In their clinical work, John and Julie Gottman learned that partners who have affairs are usually driven to them not because of a forbidden attraction but because of loneliness. There were already serious, if subtle, problems in the marriage before the affair occurred.
信任是婚姻奠定的基礎，外遇固然會摧毀伴侶間的信任，不過離婚的原因通常在外遇之前就有跡可循。離婚調解專案的一份研究指出，80% 的離婚男女認為，他們的離婚原因是與另一半逐漸變得疏離及失去親密感，只有 20-27% 的離婚男女將離婚歸咎於婚外情。John 與 Julie Gottman 的臨床研究中，發現到有外遇的另一半是因為感到寂寞而外遇，而不是因為外遇這件事散發著禁忌的誘惑。在外遇發生前，其實已經存在著相當嚴重、但未能察覺的婚姻問題了。
MYTH NO. 5 Marriages benefit from a 'relationship contract.'
迷思 5：關係契約對婚姻有幫助
It's important to do nice things for your partner and to do your fair share around the house, principles that an increasing number of couples have decided to formalize with a contract. One essayist explained in the New York Times how hers "spells out everything from sex to chores to finances to our expectations for the future." Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan also hashed out some rather specific details in their contract, such as: "One date per week, a minimum of a hundred minutes of alone time, not in his apartment and definitely not at Facebook." Far more couples opt for informal agreements, written or verbal, delineating who's responsible for what.
為另一半做些體貼的事情，以及做好自己份內應完成的家事，是伴侶相處的重要原則，而且有愈來愈多伴侶決定透過契約來把這樣的原則給具體化。紐約時報的一名隨筆作家寫道，自己是怎麼樣「鉅細靡遺列出該交代清楚的所有事項，從性生活、家事、財務，到兩人對未來的期許」。臉書創辦人馬克祖克柏和妻子也花時間討論出關係契約裡一些頗為具體的細節，像是「每星期約會一次，獨處時間至少要有 100 分鐘，約會地點不是在馬克祖克柏的公寓，更不可能在臉書約會。」更多伴侶則是選擇書面或口頭的非正式協議，約定兩人應負責的事項。
The concept, though, has no basis in science. In 1977, researcher Bernard Murstein found that marriages oriented around reciprocity were less successful. And from what we've seen in our clinical work, keeping track can cause couples to keep score, which can lead to resentment. Dealmaking, contracts and quid pro quo mostly operate in unhappy marriages. Criticism and contempt can arise from unfulfilled expectations, especially if those expectations are quantified. And when one partner does something nice for the other and there is a contract in place, they may expect something equally nice in return. That response may not happen for any reason — a busy week, forgetfulness — which can create resentment and an environment of trying to "win."
但是，這個概念並沒有科學上的根據。1977 年，研究人員 Bernard Murstein 發現，以對等互惠為出發點的婚姻比較不順遂。我們在臨床研究也發現到，記錄所做的每項付出，會讓伴侶對彼此打分數，導致兩人之間心生齟齬。立約定、訂契約、談回報，這些事情大多在不快樂的婚姻裡才會有效。如果沒有達成期望，可能會引發另一半的批評與輕蔑，尤其是在以量化來衡量期望達成值的時候。當伴侶的其中一方為另一方做了體貼的事，而且兩人之間訂有契約，那麼就可能會期盼另一方有所回報，為自己做同樣體貼的事。但總有某些原因會讓對方或許沒辦法給予同等回報 —— 譬如這星期很忙、忘了這件事等等 —— 此時就可能導致期待的一方內心忿恨不平，並創造出一種讓人想「占上風」的情境。
Consider one thing nearly all couples fight about: housework. A couple wants to have an even division of chores and responsibilities, so they make a contract. But a few months later, there's a pile of dishes in the sink, and they're fighting again. According to a study of 3,000 couples by Harvard Business School, the solution is to ditch the contract and spend money on a cleaning service. Why? So the couple can spend more time together having positive interactions and fewer arguments. Instead of a contract, it's a compromise.
我們就以「家事」這件幾乎每對伴侶都會起爭執的主題當例子。假設有一對伴侶希望平分家事和責任，所以兩人訂了一份契約。但過了幾個月，流理臺沒洗的碗盤還是堆得老高，兩人又為此吵架了。根據哈佛商學院一份針對 3 千對伴侶的研究，洗碗問題的解決之道，就是扔了契約，然後買一台洗碗機。為什麼呢？這樣一來伴侶就有更多時間可以用在正向的互動上，爭執也會減少。伴侶需要的不是契約，而是妥協。
Couples need to act in kind and loving ways, intentionally and attentively, as often as they can. Some things simply cannot be mandated, not even by contract.
伴侶之間應該盡可能經常保持溫和親切的互動，要有心為之，也要專心為之。有些事情實在沒辦法用命令的方式勉強達成，更不用說透過契約來約束了。
日期：2018 June 1
作者：John Gottman and Christopher Dollard
來源：https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/five-myths/five-myths-about-marriage/2018/06/01/5646e650-6438-11e8-a69c-b944de66d9e7_story.html?utm_term=.3d1d0255cf99
Marriage is one of the oldest social, economic, religious and legal institutions in the world, and there's no shortage of opinions on what makes it work. But much of the conventional wisdom is not based on evidence, and some is flat-out wrong. After researching thousands of couples for more than 40 years at the Gottman Institute, these are some of the myths we've encountered most often.
婚姻，是世上最古老的社會、經濟、宗教、法律制度之一，坊間永遠不乏探討婚姻如何經營的觀點。但是許多沿襲下來的智慧，並非以實際證據為基礎，有些觀念甚至錯得離譜。我們 40 年來在高特曼學院 (The Gottman Institute) 研究了好幾千對伴侶，並整理出下列 5 種最常碰到的婚姻迷思。
MYTH NO. 1 Common interests keep you together.
迷思 1：共同興趣可以維繫感情
Some dating sites, like Match.com, ask users to list their interests to help attract potential mates, and LoveFlutter matches users solely based on shared hobbies and activities. In a Pew survey, 64 percent of respondents said "having shared interests" is "very important" to their marriages — beating out having a satisfying sexual relationship and agreeing on politics.
有些約會網站，像是 Match.com，會請使用者填寫自己的興趣，看看能不能吸引到有機會認識的對象，LoveFlutter 網站更是只透過共同的嗜好和活動來幫使用者配對。一份 Pew 調查指出，64% 的受訪者回答「擁有共同興趣」對婚姻而言「非常重要」—— 勝過擁有令人滿意的性生活，以及抱持共同的政治理念。
But the important thing is not what you do together; it's how you interact while doing it. Any activity can drive a wedge between two partners if they're negative toward each other. It doesn't matter whether two people both enjoy kayaking if, when they head out on the lake, one says, "That's not how you do a J-stroke, you idiot!" Our research has shown that criticism, even of paddling skills, is one of the four destructive behaviors that indicate a couple will eventually divorce. A stronger predictor of compatibility than shared interests is the ratio of positive to negative interactions, which should be 20-to-1 in everyday situations, whether a couple is doing something they both enjoy or not.
但重點不是你們一起做了什麼活動，而是在於你們做這項活動時，兩人是怎麼互動的。如果以負面情緒去對待對方，那麼不管什麼活動都可能引發兩人之間的嫌隙。譬如雙方去湖邊划船，其中一個人說：「J 型划槳哪是這樣滑的，你很笨耶！」，這種時候根本無暇顧及兩個人有沒有全心全意享受著划船運動。我們的研究顯示，「批評」是導致伴侶終將走向離婚一途的四大殺手級行為之一 (批評、防衛、輕蔑、築牆)。日常情況中，不論伴侶是否從事擁有共同興趣的活動，兩人正面互動對負面互動的比例應該要達到 20 比 1，從這一點更能看出伴侶的契合度比共同興趣更加重要。
MYTH NO. 2 Never go to bed angry.
迷思 2：床頭吵，床尾和
It's one of the most cliched pieces of relationship advice, immortalized in Etsy signage and a '90s R&B ballad by Silk: Don't allow an argument to go unresolved — even overnight. No less an authority than the Bible agrees: "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath" (Ephesians 4:26).
這是婚姻關係建議當中最老掉牙的陳腔濫調之一，而美國的手工藝品網路商店平台 Etsy 賣的婚禮標語牌，還有 Silk 樂團在 1990 年代唱的一首 R&B 芭樂歌《別帶著怒氣上床》(Don't Go To Bed Mad)，又把這句建議推上永恆不朽的經典。就連聖經這本至高無上的權威，也對這個觀點深表同意：「不可含怒到日落」(以弗所書 4:26)。
This advice pushes couples to solve their problems right away. Yet everyone has their own methods of dealing with disagreements, and research indicates that about two-thirds of recurring issues in marriage are never resolved because of personality differences — you're unlikely to work out that fight about the dishes no matter how late you stay up.
這句話督促伴侶應該馬上解決兩人之間的問題。但是，每個人都會照著自己的步調去處理與另一半的不合，而且研究顯示，由於性格差異的緣故，婚姻關係裡重複發生的問題當中，約有 2/3 的問題是完全解決不了的 —— 不管你熬夜到多晚，都不可能解決洗碗引發的爭執。
In our "Love Lab," where we studied physiological reactions of couples during arguments (including coding of facial muscles related to specific emotions), we found that when couples fight, they are so physiologically stressed — increased heart rate, cortisol in the bloodstream, perspiring, etc. — that it is impossible for them to have a rational discussion. With one couple, we intentionally stopped their argument about a recurring issue by saying we needed to adjust some of our equipment. We asked them to read magazines for 30 minutes before resuming the conversation. When they did so, their bodies had physiologically calmed down, which allowed them to communicate rationally and respectfully. We now teach that method to couples — if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed during a fight, take a break and come back to it later, even if that means sleeping on it.
我們的「愛情實驗室」專門研究伴侶在爭執期間的生理反應 (包括臉部肌肉跟特定情緒相關的神經編碼)，研究發現，伴侶起爭執的時候，會在生理上感受到很大的壓力 —— 心率增加、血液中的腎上腺皮質醇 (cortisol) 變多、出汗等等 —— 這種情況下的伴侶，根本不可能展開理性的討論。我們向其中一對伴侶說我們需要調整一些儀器，以此為藉口，刻意停下他們對一件經常性問題的爭執。我們請兩人先讀個 30 分鐘的雜誌，然後再重啟對話。照做之後，他們的身體在生理上變得平靜下來，讓他們可以理性尊重地溝通。現在我們會把這個方法教給伴侶知道 —— 假如覺得自己在爭執中已經快要撐不下去，那就休息一會兒，過一段時間再回來討論爭執的事情，即使必須先睡一覺也沒有關係。
MYTH NO. 3 Couples therapy is for fixing a broken marriage.
迷思 3：伴侶治療的用途，是修復破碎的婚姻
This is a common misconception. A 2014 New York Post story on "the crumbling marriage of Jay Z and Beyoncé" noted grimly that "they're allegedly traveling with marriage counselors." Seeking help early in or even before marriage is often seen as a red flag. As one skeptic noted in New York magazine, "If you need couples therapy before you're married — when it's supposed to be fun and easy, before the pressures of children, family, and combined financials — then it's the wrong relationship."
這是個常見的誤解。一篇 2014 年的《紐約郵報》報導「Jay Z 與碧昂絲婚姻出現裂痕」，內容冷冷地說著「據說兩人正在接受婚姻諮商」。在外人眼中，及早尋求婚姻協助，甚至婚前就在諮商，常代表著婚姻亮起紅燈。《紐約》雜誌一篇文章的作者，還對伴侶治療深表懷疑：「婚前沒有小孩、家庭、共同財務狀況帶來的壓力，理應是樂趣無窮、輕鬆自在的時光，可是如果你們婚前就必須接受伴侶治療，那麼看來這是一段錯誤的關係。」
This idea often keeps spouses from seeking the sort of regular maintenance that would benefit almost any relationship. The average couple waits six years after serious issues arise before getting help with their marital problems, and by then it's often too late: Half of all divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage. In a therapist's office, spouses can learn conflict-management skills (like the Gottman-Rapoport intervention, based on a method used to increase understanding between nations during the Cold War) and ways to connect and understand each other.
關係的定期維護，幾乎對任何一種關係都是有幫助的，但是認為及早求助代表著關係拉警報的觀念，往往會阻礙伴侶無法定期維護兩人的關係。伴侶之間一旦出現婚姻上的重大問題，平均要拖到 6 年以後才會去尋求協助，但這時候才求援常常已經太遲了：一半以上的離婚案件，發生在婚姻的前 7 年內。伴侶可以在治療師的辦公室裡學會衝突管理的技巧 (例如 Gottman-Rapoport 介入法，這個技巧根據的是冷戰期間用來增進國與國之間理解的一種方法)，並學習彼此產生連結和互相理解之道。
The point of counseling is not to salvage a bad marriage or sort out trauma. It's about revealing the truth about a relationship. As Jay-Z told David Letterman, he gained "emotional tools " in counseling to help him maintain his marriage.
諮商的重點，不是拯救一場糟透的婚姻或撫平創商，而是揭露關係當中的真相。就像 Jay-Z 對脫口秀主持人大衛．賴特曼 (David Letterman) 說的，他從諮商裡獲得了「情緒工具」，幫助他維繫婚姻。
MYTH NO. 4 Affairs are the main cause of divorce.
迷思 4：外遇是離婚的主因
An affair is traumatic for any monogamous relationship. "Extra-marital affairs are responsible for the breakdown of most marriages that end in divorce," an article on Marriage.com reads. Today.com offers a similar analysis: "Cheating is one of the main drivers of divorce."
外遇對一夫一妻制有很大的殺傷力。Marriage.com 一篇文章寫道：「大部分以離婚收尾的婚姻破裂結局，婚外情要負最大的責任。」Today.com 也有著相似的分析：「欺騙是導致離婚的主因之一。」
While affairs can destroy the foundation of trust upon which a marriage is built, the cause of divorce typically precedes the affair. In a study from the Divorce Mediation Project, 80 percent of divorced men and women cited growing apart and loss of a sense of closeness to their partner as the reason for divorce. Only 20 to 27 percent blamed their separation on an extramarital affair. In their clinical work, John and Julie Gottman learned that partners who have affairs are usually driven to them not because of a forbidden attraction but because of loneliness. There were already serious, if subtle, problems in the marriage before the affair occurred.
信任是婚姻奠定的基礎，外遇固然會摧毀伴侶間的信任，不過離婚的原因通常在外遇之前就有跡可循。離婚調解專案的一份研究指出，80% 的離婚男女認為，他們的離婚原因是與另一半逐漸變得疏離及失去親密感，只有 20-27% 的離婚男女將離婚歸咎於婚外情。John 與 Julie Gottman 的臨床研究中，發現到有外遇的另一半是因為感到寂寞而外遇，而不是因為外遇這件事散發著禁忌的誘惑。在外遇發生前，其實已經存在著相當嚴重、但未能察覺的婚姻問題了。
MYTH NO. 5 Marriages benefit from a 'relationship contract.'
迷思 5：關係契約對婚姻有幫助
It's important to do nice things for your partner and to do your fair share around the house, principles that an increasing number of couples have decided to formalize with a contract. One essayist explained in the New York Times how hers "spells out everything from sex to chores to finances to our expectations for the future." Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan also hashed out some rather specific details in their contract, such as: "One date per week, a minimum of a hundred minutes of alone time, not in his apartment and definitely not at Facebook." Far more couples opt for informal agreements, written or verbal, delineating who's responsible for what.
為另一半做些體貼的事情，以及做好自己份內應完成的家事，是伴侶相處的重要原則，而且有愈來愈多伴侶決定透過契約來把這樣的原則給具體化。紐約時報的一名隨筆作家寫道，自己是怎麼樣「鉅細靡遺列出該交代清楚的所有事項，從性生活、家事、財務，到兩人對未來的期許」。臉書創辦人馬克祖克柏和妻子也花時間討論出關係契約裡一些頗為具體的細節，像是「每星期約會一次，獨處時間至少要有 100 分鐘，約會地點不是在馬克祖克柏的公寓，更不可能在臉書約會。」更多伴侶則是選擇書面或口頭的非正式協議，約定兩人應負責的事項。
The concept, though, has no basis in science. In 1977, researcher Bernard Murstein found that marriages oriented around reciprocity were less successful. And from what we've seen in our clinical work, keeping track can cause couples to keep score, which can lead to resentment. Dealmaking, contracts and quid pro quo mostly operate in unhappy marriages. Criticism and contempt can arise from unfulfilled expectations, especially if those expectations are quantified. And when one partner does something nice for the other and there is a contract in place, they may expect something equally nice in return. That response may not happen for any reason — a busy week, forgetfulness — which can create resentment and an environment of trying to "win."
但是，這個概念並沒有科學上的根據。1977 年，研究人員 Bernard Murstein 發現，以對等互惠為出發點的婚姻比較不順遂。我們在臨床研究也發現到，記錄所做的每項付出，會讓伴侶對彼此打分數，導致兩人之間心生齟齬。立約定、訂契約、談回報，這些事情大多在不快樂的婚姻裡才會有效。如果沒有達成期望，可能會引發另一半的批評與輕蔑，尤其是在以量化來衡量期望達成值的時候。當伴侶的其中一方為另一方做了體貼的事，而且兩人之間訂有契約，那麼就可能會期盼另一方有所回報，為自己做同樣體貼的事。但總有某些原因會讓對方或許沒辦法給予同等回報 —— 譬如這星期很忙、忘了這件事等等 —— 此時就可能導致期待的一方內心忿恨不平，並創造出一種讓人想「占上風」的情境。
Consider one thing nearly all couples fight about: housework. A couple wants to have an even division of chores and responsibilities, so they make a contract. But a few months later, there's a pile of dishes in the sink, and they're fighting again. According to a study of 3,000 couples by Harvard Business School, the solution is to ditch the contract and spend money on a cleaning service. Why? So the couple can spend more time together having positive interactions and fewer arguments. Instead of a contract, it's a compromise.
我們就以「家事」這件幾乎每對伴侶都會起爭執的主題當例子。假設有一對伴侶希望平分家事和責任，所以兩人訂了一份契約。但過了幾個月，流理臺沒洗的碗盤還是堆得老高，兩人又為此吵架了。根據哈佛商學院一份針對 3 千對伴侶的研究，洗碗問題的解決之道，就是扔了契約，然後買一台洗碗機。為什麼呢？這樣一來伴侶就有更多時間可以用在正向的互動上，爭執也會減少。伴侶需要的不是契約，而是妥協。
Couples need to act in kind and loving ways, intentionally and attentively, as often as they can. Some things simply cannot be mandated, not even by contract.
伴侶之間應該盡可能經常保持溫和親切的互動，要有心為之，也要專心為之。有些事情實在沒辦法用命令的方式勉強達成，更不用說透過契約來約束了。
留言
張貼留言